I was — and still kind of am, a blank canvas.

Photo by Justyn Warner on Unsplash

“When an artist is starting a piece, they first need to have a vision, a visualization of what the finished piece would look like.”

At least that was what I read on Quora.

But, I am not an artist.

When I was younger, my parents taught me that I could be anything I want and that I have the power to “control my life and reach for my dreams”. So, I thought about myself as an artist who is drawing the most beautiful painting, I visualized what I thought was the most ideal future for me; Set my foot in a new and foreign land, meet a bunch of new people, and do things care freely — the adventure movies I watched inspired me so much. But I was not very good at planning and I was also very young, so I was rather stuck and it turned out that I was not — am not — very good at being an artist.

But, it was — a matter of fact — the first dream I have ever had. I did not want to be a doctor or a lawyer when I was young. I just wanted to be free.

Thus, when I graduated from high school — and being as idealistic as ever, I thought about a city I have never been to nor have I ever seen before; Malang. But I went too far with that thought; I also carelessly picked a major that I’ve never heard of before; Agribusiness. Surprisingly, I got accepted — and it was a nightmare. At the minimum, I still managed to adapt and eventually survived what has become an impact of my carelessness. Hence, I changed my major a year after to study literature.

Instead of being the artist, I pictured myself as the blank canvas. ​

My journey of finding myself began when I study literature. I started blank. I didn’t know what I wanted nor did I have any preferences or a benchmark. So I took every opportunity to do something about it. Since I am studying literature, I start with books. Reading books has allowed me to look deeper into things and see them from other perspectives. Books were the basic color; the basic foundation of my thoughts and ideas. Then I learned to express myself through writing and art. So I started to make my own music, photography, make some videos, and I even draw a little. Those were the texture and the surface quality; it conveys a variety of messages and emotions. Later on, I joined discussion forums, communities, and clubs, I even had drinks with activists discussing social issues, philosophy, science, and art. Those are the abstract lines, the dots, and the scratches; a composition that contributes to the balance within the canvas.

Perhaps, you may think that I am not that so-called blank anymore. Perhaps you’re right, however, it has become a perception of how I see myself. But then again, while still learning, I shall continue to build my future and break the boundaries.

Maybe, later on, I will find myself managing my own company, giving talks at conferences, hopping on a truck in the Saharan desert, or maybe walking on a carrier bag across the globe, who knows?

If people ask me what I am going to be in 5–10 years, my straight answer is “I don’t know.”. It may sound dissatisfying, but I believe the most fulfilling career, the most fulfilling dream, are those that still have the power to surprise me. While on the journey, I’m still taking every opportunity to move forward, manage myself, develop my set of skills, and continue being a blank canvas.